Me, Marriage & Motherhood: week eleven
This blog post almost didn’t happen today. Like it wasn’t until I told myself I wasn’t doing the blog today that it created the fire to get the blog done.
I’m writing this evening from my bed. I had a glitch with my payment source and was trying to bypass it and write anyways and the site was like ummm yeah no!?!? So I connected to a different payment source and got it back up and running.
This is not a traditional blog broken down into sections…
This is me showing up even when I almost didn’t…
Until next week…
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Ten
Me…
Sitting here watching Big Brother with my Hubby. I’ve been doing my best to be intentional about not being on devices when we share space. I am diligently working on not being on my phone but have done really well not working on my computer during “our” time. But today here we are as it’s both blog day and 8:49pm. It’s not easy doing both…
I’ve decided to cultivate a lifestyle these next 6-months that aligns me with my highest and best self. I’m starting October 10th as it marks 6 months till my birthday.
Marriage…
I asked my Hubby this afternoon what the vision was for us from his perspective lens. We began discussing what that looked like this evening and I’m interested to see where our conversation goes…
Marriage is part of this lifestyle I’m cultivating; I want to honor my role as Wife and do my best to show up in Queen energy when I share space with my King. I love him so much and am grateful for where we are because of where we’ve been. Our marriage and relationship gets to be what works for us and what we want it to be…for sOoO long I thought it was “supposed” to look a certain way, “supposed” to be a certain way, and now I understand that our shared space is ours and we get to cultivate it and create it in a way that serves us and “the vision”…
MOtherhood…
I’ve been doing my best to be more mindful in my shared space with my babies. I don’t always do it but I am doing it more and that matters today. Motherhood truly is a gift. I don’t quite get it or understand it or know how to do it but I want to learn and I want to navigate it intentionally. I am grateful for my babies, as hard as it is to navigate the reflections of me they mirror…I’m grateful to see me and witness the many pieces and parts of me.
This too is another area I will be focusing in and on over the next 6 months.
It’s getting late and I want to be mindful of time.
Enjoy the gift of today.
Until next week…
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Nine
Me…
Life gets to be enjoyed.
I was thinking earlier about the power of thoughts combined with energy. I’ve spent most of my life thinking super low vibrational thoughts, living predominately from a lens of victim consciousness, striving for something more…something else while also fighting reality and being super duper frustrated by the unfolding of my reality day after day. Yet something began to shift for me this year. I think the big boom was when I had my miscarriage in August. It’s like it did something to me…in me.
I began my intentional process of change/journey of transformation in 2007. Yeah 2007…17 years ago?!?! But today…something is different about life. Today I know there is power in thoughts combined with energy. And it’s not just a mental knowing, it’s an internal knowing…an internal understanding.
I don’t get it right all the time and when I move from a space of “getting it right” today, I know that I already got it wrong…not because it’s “wrong” but because my intention is out of alignment. In the grand scheme of life there is no such thing as good and bad or right and wrong. There are choices that lead to destinations and no destination is good or bad or right or wrong. Each destination has something to offer, a lesson to be learned, and an experience to be had.
Today I know that life is a collection of experiences and that the different stories, thoughts, and mental narratives I create around those experiences create my ability to be with or fight against the unfolding of each experience yet nonetheless, each experience is connected to the next and each experience happens for me not to me.
Marriage…
I had a realization today that I feared my Hubby leaving me. Like a legit fear that I am open, ready, and willing to admit dictates how I move. I know this fear is connected to and with my fear of abandonment. It sucks being left, it sucks feeling like you’re not worth fighting for, it sucks thinking your ‘youness’ drove another to no longer desire to share space with you. I have allowed these feelings of “suckiness” (idk if that’s a word…but it is for the purpose of this blog post) to create a story that comes with a narrative that speaks to me when I’m presented with choices. My choices are filtered through “his estimated response(s)” that I’ve developed through my past life experiences combined with my ever-evolving/working analysis of him. So when he responds in a way that is unexpected it throws me completely off my square and takes me into the inner recesses of my mind as I recalibrate that ever-evolving/working analysis of him.
I think about my Generator energy and see it working in my marriage/relationship with my Hubby but not in a present sense but moreso in an anxiety driven manner. Doing this or that in hopes he won’t this or that or will this or that. Realizing as I type that that’s basically how I live life. It’s not personal with my Hubby…the way in which I do it is personal to him because of his title and the role he plays in my life but I do this in all areas of my life. I am intentional AF in some regards but I also see that sometimes my AFness is rooted in people pleasing and fear of being left or replaced by another. Wow…this is deep. I love how much awareness rises to the surface from a space of writing…
I love my Hubby deeply and dearly but I also recognize how much of a teacher he has been within our shared space. He doesn’t teach me in a traditional/educational framework but he teaches me about me through allowing me to see me through his response to my actions and wordplay. Like I didn’t realize how deep my trauma with men went. I didn’t realize how much I disliked men. I didn’t realize how disrespectful I was to men. I didn’t realize that my dysfunctional relationship with men was impacting my relationships with my sons. I didn’t realize the magnitude of my defense mechanisms that stemmed from my distrust of men. I realized all this over the last 6 years and 9ish months with Gerard because he taught me how to see me in ways I’ve never seen.
Motherhood…
I had a realization this afternoon that I am in deconditioning around parenting and motherhood. Going back to my Generator energy being used in an anxiety driven manner…OMGoodness it's in overdrive when it comes to motherhood?!?! But unlike in marriage when I get hyper-fixated on my Hubby when I’m in anxiety mode…in motherhood I get hyper-fixated on others. My thoughts are often consumed with patient/peaceful/healed/gentle-parenting IG mamas, educators, doctors, professionals, service providers, the culture’s view from the lens of black parenting, the super opinionated perspectives on social from individuals who don’t even have kids of their own but had traumatic childhoods, and therapists thoughts and opinions on the matter at hand because just like I have my marriage filter, I too have one for motherhood. And it’s interesting because these same sources are similar to the sources that create my other marriage filter. However back to the kiddos, I am grateful for the awareness that deconditioning is what I’m doing because for the last couple/few weeks I’ve been like…ummm…what is going on?!?! It’s a journey I think I’ve been on but it’s just starting to get harder and harder to continue as is which is what led me here.
Idk what the deconditionig process looks like but as I type I see it as a holistic deconditiong process that I’m entering. It’s not just motherhood…it’s also marriage and me too!
Hmm…maybe that’s what the blog will be about?!?! My journey deconditioning me, marriage, and motherhood and cultivating me, marriage, and motherhood from a space of intention and to be of the highest and best for all.
We shall see…
Until next Tuesday:)
Enjoy the gift of today!
Me, Marriage & MOtherhood: Week EIght
ME…
I was sOoO close to not making it here tonight. I had a plan to be in the bed by 10:45pm as I have kettlebell class in the AM and get up at 4:45am on the mornings I have class; ir’s currently 10:44pm…so I’m not going to make it. I’m realizing more and more that the more I make plans…the less things go according to plan.
Debated coming here as it’s late and who knows how long the blog will be?!?! But I made this commitment and want to honor it. Idk what it will be or what each blog will be about but I will be here every Tuesday from now till mid-April.
However…going to keep it short and sweet as I am tired and it’s already quite difficult to make it to class in the AMs and stay awake to do my morning practices before I head out. It’s now 10:52am so going to move along to…
Marriage…
SoOo grateful for where Gerard and I are in our marriage. Grateful for our communication. Grateful for our willingness to show up daily. Grateful for the opportunity to love him. Grateful to have a partner in life who inspires me to be my best. Grateful to get to journey through this chapter of life with him. Grateful to be able to show my kids what love can look like.
Motherhood…
SoOo grateful for last week’s keep it real session where I was able to keep it real with me about my mommying. It’s sOoO complex?!?! Idk if it’s just me or if it’s my design energy that makes me feel this way. I have the sacral energy to get me through being a Mommy to 4 littles but we are a home full of emotional authority so someone is always somewhere on their wave. Grateful for the gift of Motherhood today. Grateful for my imperfections today. Grateful for the ability to feel all the feels that come with Motherhood.
Starting to get tired and my eyes are feeling weighted…
Thank you for this room and space to just be and share.
It ain’t over till it’s over and it’s currently 11pm. you still have an hour to enjoy the git of today.
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Seven
Me…
Week 7…WOW?!?! To reach week 7 with this blog is a milestone for me mainly because of the number of times I second guessed it and/or doubted whether I would make it to the laptop…let alone to Squarespace to compose it.
I have been heavily leaning into my design lately…like it’s wild how organically it happened. I studied and studied and studied and created report after report and listened to one audio after another…and today I see the embodiment of my design. I see what happens with practice. I see the aftermath of setting an intention. My design is everywhere around me. I had the realization that both Human Design and Gene Keys can’t be intellectuized…well hold on…it “can” be but it’s different when you holistically experience it…
Example:
I had an interview for an Assistant Community Manager position last Friday, it went really well and I was invited to a second interview on-site to meet the Community Manager to see if I fit into their culture. I had a post-surgery appointment today with Women’s Services to discuss next steps now that the miscarriage is officially over. In preparation for this appointment today I had a decision to make. What did I want…to go back to the 9-5 world or have a baby as I wasn’t willing to do both? I feel like I was given an opportunity to ask myself whether or not I have the capacity or willingness to go back to working a 9-5, conceive and carry a baby with intention, and maintain what I’ve cultivated in daily living. I automatically went to my head to decide and was torn. Honoring my emotional authority I decided to pause and feel into the options. Then as I was doing my ‘Morning Pages’ one morning, I saw myself writing about my excitement at the job opportunity and it HIT ME…I was excited because of the STORY I was telling myself about what the 9-5 would give me?!?! It was like a light bulb went off and I was given sight to see me from a new perspective lens. As I sat with this golden nugget, I realized I was still making decisions with my head even though I was feeling lit up because it was really the story that was lighting me up?!?!
This realization opened the door for more to be revealed. I took away the stories and began to feel. I took away the stories and began to hear my intuitive whisperings. I took away the stories and rode my emotional wave. And I came to the conclusion that I want to sow my time, energy, and attention into myself, my business, and my 5th child:)
Marriage…
Last Thursday I got to experience the power of stories with my Husband. Part of me questioned sharing this but I am a passionate proponent of “talking about it” so just like ‘Talk About It Thursday’ we’re going to talk about it in this space too. So my Hubby had a work event and I unknowingly set expectations about how the day would unfold. When the day did not unfold as I planned it to (loling and smh) the stories started storying hard core! My mood changed, I got attitudinal, I got short with the babies, I got a little antsy and fidgety, I lost connection with my breath, and all I could see and hear were the stories…they smooth debo’d my internal control system and I began to lose it.
Once I became aware of what happened the battle began as I was not willing to sit idly by and allow myself to be taken over. The battle got real real though because I didn’t know how to fight it, I didn’t know what to do to make it stop, I didn’t know how to get it to loosen up it’s hold that it had on me. I knew I didn’t know if any of the stories were true, I knew that I had the power to create a beautiful story instead of a horror story, and I knew that the story was impacting me mind, body, and spirit. Yet…I was losing. I began to simmer and then more time passed and the stories fired right back up. I was consciously aware of what I was doing and literally didn’t know how to make it stop or what to do to make it stop…I felt helpless even though it was me vs. me.
It was his energy when he got home that soothed me. It was how he handled me when he got home that soothed me. It was the realization that it was me that allowed me to be present with him and wholly and fully surrender the stories. The realization that the stories were me and not him…changed EVERYTHING for me. At the end of the day…idk what my Hubby does for real for real when he walks out those doors. But what I do know is me and I know my ways and I know the areas in my life that still need healing and TLC.
Motherhood…
An area of my life I still need healing and TLC. I see me and will not beat me up but I will acknowledge when an area in my life has room for improvement and this is one of them. I am more grateful than I’ve ever been to be a Mommy…grateful for the gift of life, grateful for the opportunity to be Mommy to 4 littles, and grateful for the recognition that for me personally Motherhood comes with Mirror Work because my Dark Mother energy has been revealing herself to me and I heard her say it’s time to come out and play…
Thank you for your time if you’ve made it here to the end. And also thank you for your time if you shared even a moment of your time in reading a piece of this week’s blog.
Until next week…
Enjoy the gift of today!
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Six
ME…
Since losing the baby my motivation to blog has somewhat fizzled. I’d been waiting for an opportunity to blog and felt as though the stars had aligned when I started blogging every Tuesday when I increased a week in my pregnancy.
I know I can blog till my birthday but I don’t have a mission, a drive, a spark connected to my blog anymore. I’ve been marinating on different ideas, challenges, and/or milestones to connect to my blog but have come up empty handed.
I really want to be mindful of my energy and connect to a topic that lights me up to blog about/around. One of the things I was marinating on blogging about/around was my Human Design but every time I sat down with the computer I was unable to tap into the energy to write…
marriage…
Was working on an, ‘Introduction to Human Design’ report today and was filled with gratitude at having my Hubby’s design accessible! I feel like it is such a gift to have a visual display of his energetic make*up, it helps me to understand him in ways that are truly beneficial for the flow of our relationship.
I feel like as time passes my love for him deepens. I’ve been caught in a haze as of late with him where I’m just captivated by him; his smell, his face, his touch, his mind, his himness…I’m just like yes please! He also works my nerves, I get annoyed with him, I get frustrated, I get overwhelmed, I get distant, I get irritable and yet my gratitude for him and his presence in my life is unwavering. He is perfectly imperfect and although I have no idea what the future holds for us…I am sOoO grateful for our shared space in the here and now!
MOtherhood…
As of late ‘Motherhood’ has been filled with lessons learned and golden nuggets. My kids are all quite interesting and watching them grow and evolve is simply fascinating…their personalities, their viewpoints, their perspectives, their wordplay, their mannerisms…I’m grateful for the gift of motherhood and for the opportunity to be Mommy to 4 littles…
That’s all for today…
Until next week…
Enjoy the gift of today!
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Five
ME…
I contemplated coming here today. It’s 11:13pm and I am feeling a wide array of feels…
Life has been full throttle lifing and I am sOoO grateful to be learning how to ride the wave.
Dreaming of my business…
Leaning into grounding into the present moment.
marriage…
An adventure…
He is inspiring me to embody my divine feminine…
Motherhood…
Celebrated my Princesss’s 8th birthday yesterday. Her joy, her smile, and her energy were all priceless. It’s officially birthday season…
Keeping it short and sweet.
Honoring my commitment to be here while also honoring my mind and body are elsewhere….
Enjoy the gift of today
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Four
Me…
I am currently sharing space with my business, digging into my signature offering. I am currently sharing space with my Gene Keys, leaning into my healing. I am currently in this moment filled with gratitude as I type in my dining room, sitting at my beautiful dining room table, typing on my most treasured electronic…my laptop…part of me is regretting saying that about my laptop out of fear of some now pending F&F…but I’m going to practice being present in the moment and being grateful in the here and now for the experience of having my laptop. Anyway…sitting here typing..listeningto my, “A Vibe” playlist on Spotify that’s a blend of violin covers and smooth jazz.
I had the opportunity to share space with my therapist yesterday! I haven’t had a session in months as a result of accruing a back balance due to a mishap with my insurance and then not having insurance. But with the unfolding of the here and now, I was willing to invest in seeing her out of pocket in order to do what I knew I needed to do to take care of me. I am sOoO glad I did because the space she holds for me is truly transformative, healing, and safe and what she gives me is invaluable. I shared with her that today it wasn’t my life that was on the line…it was my well*being because today I love my life, I love myself, and when I felt “off” I knew I needed more than my daily practices. And today I am honored to know me like I know me and be willing to take care of me…for my well*being to be at stake and for me to organically move the way I did…was like a gift to witness and be part of.
Marriage…
I am sOoO grateful for my Hubby. My 7-year old said she’s going to start calling us the LoveBirds. My heart felt warm as I allowed myself to fully be in that moment and to share the depth of connection that I do right now to and with my Husband and for my daughter to witness it.
I feel alive in my marriage, I am sOoO grateful to share the unfolding of life with my Hubby, I am beginning to feel holistically safe with my Husband and that is foreign, frightening, and exciting. I am cultivating space for marriage to be and mean something it never has before. As we head towards 7 years of being in relationship I know that a shift is upon us and I know that I have a part in that shift and today I want to show up wholly and fully in this space of Queen to my King.
What does it mean to be a Queen to a King? I am learning, I am studying, I am healing, and I am already beginning to shift my behaviors and show up more and more in different ways. I am imperfect but doing my best…
MOtherhood…
I lost my baby last Wenesday afternoon and ended up going to the ER and after a handful of hours I was sent home after receiving medicine to help me release the rest of what was left in my womb. I am grateful for the care I received from the hospital staff behind the front desk. It was such an emotional experience and I had to literally repeat that I was there as a result of thinking I had a miscarriage 3 times before being seen by a medical staff. And I couldn’t whisper it because the front desk staff are behind plastic with a big ol intercom on the desk and a little sign that reminds you to speak loud enough for them to hear you?!?! I’m not mad or upset with the staff because of the policy but I am upset about the policy because it’s very triggering and not something that’s easy to talk about. At the front desk, the first two staff were very robotic acting, they didn’t flinch when I said what I said. The third lady was different and visibly moved when she processed why I was there and she showed grace for my slick and impatient wordplay stemming from my frustration. She honored her role to be professional while also navigating my heartbeat and my emotions. I am grateful for the care in her eyes…I am super duper grateful for the way the Dr. handled me! She was kind, she was to the point, she met me heartbeattoheartbeat, and she respected my wishes.
This has been an emotional week navigating all the feels of the loss on top of it being the week before school started while navigating some of Pooh’s behaviors. Gerard and I told the kids Thursday morning that I’d lost that baby and was no longer pregnant. My Gum*Gum drop took it the hardest which made sense as he’s my sensitive one. The others kids took it well, one of the girls said they were happy about it and I was able to view it from a both/and framework through her little person perspective lens.
I was listening to my Gene Keys this afternoon while out running errands and in the 42nd Gene Key which is about letting go of living and dying…it talked about finding celebration in death. I asked myself again while driving if I was willing to see/find/share space with celebration for this loss and at this time I don’t see celebration but I am willing to believe everything happens for a reason, that my baby’s assignment was complete, and that life is always happening for me…not to me.
Speaking of my littles, yesterday was the first day back to school for everyone. They all had a really nice first day back and were excited about their new teachers. I haven’t talked to Pooh to see how his first day was I saw him briefly at practice yesterday but only to give him his football cleats. I will have an opportunity to get an update on his first week when he comes back home on Sunday.
Ending this week’s blog here. Thank you for your time and for your willingness to share space as I talk about the unfolding of life in real time, my marriage, and my journey of motherhood.
Enjoy the gift of today!
Until next Tuesday…
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week three
Me…
Feeling a bit scattered and learning how to build relationship with this piece of me. It’s come to my attention/moreso my awareness that I’ve been searching all my life for the missing piece, the missing link, the missing something. And witnessing the depth of feeling scattered I see me and see my patterns. I wrote a poem years ago diving into this but see today that it’s still very much so engrained in my way of being. My work has shown me that the way through is not by bulldozing, condemning, making wrong, or shaming myself into change…it’s through allowing, honoring, seeing, witnessing, holding space, and a willingness to love what may seem/appear to be unlovable.
When I left the 9-5 world back in 2021 I felt like a part of me died. Like literally died…death…RIP. My work was my driving force, it was my life line, it was what propelled me out of bed at the start of the day and allowed me to rest easy in the night, it was my EVERYTHING, my fuel, my love, my passion, and what I honestly felt most connected to…
Over the last 3 years I’ve been trying to figure out how to rekindle the flame. I’ve gained sOoO much slowing down, building relationship with myself, learning to feel and discover home within, cultivating boundaries, stepping out of the shadows and into the light, redefining my relationship with Mary Jane, and deciphering what taking holistic care of me means and looks like in real life. In attempts to rekindle the flame I have returned to work but then left shortly thereafter, I have applied for a multitude of 9-5s that were soon followed-up either with an email pulling my interest or a denial/rejection email, and I have been a front-row passenger on the struggle bus as I’ve been fumbling around trying to start a business of my own.
I feel lost with an overload of guidance to just do it this way or that way, I feel uncertain about how to package my experience and use it to serve others, I feel immense resistance to having the nerve to charge others to help them along their transformative healing journey when it such a personal and sacred and tumultuous journey to be on, I feel unsure as to what my work actually is, I feel scared to dream and desire because who am I to have all that I desire when I’ve become accustomed to lack, the short end of the stick, and settling for just getting by as I am quite familiar with having nothing so something can easily be seen as a priceless gift.
Yet…everytime I stumble, everytime I fall, everytime I doubt, everytime I throw everything I’ve worked on away…I rise and I start over. I pause but I do not quit. I don’t know and just as I am building relationship with feeling scattered I too am willing today to build relationship with I don’t know…
marriage…
My Hubby and I were watching Ready to Love this evening and one of the participants was sent home because the men thought she needed to do more work on herself and heal some more before she was ready to love. This touched me deeply as I thought of the woman I was when my Husband and I met late fall of 2017 and the woman I am today. Another two participants were discussing non-negotiables and they shared their non-negotiable of drama when it comes to co-parenting and interacting with previous partners of the significant others. This too touched me deeply as I thought of all my Husband has been through when it comes to the two other fathers of my children.
When I first started dating my ex-husband I had two rules. 1) Don’t put your hands on me and 2) Don’t cheat on me. Those were my standards. When our marriage fell apart I began my spiritual awakening and the world as I knew it was flipped upside down and shaken up. I started learning about the spiritual world and energy and affirmations and I began changing in new ways. But then I met my 3rd child’s father and that brief relationship destroyed me. I was filled with guilt and shame and was broken in pieces while raising 3 children as a single mother. With time I began to rise and decided I would be single forever before I allowed another man into my life who was not qualified as “Him”.
Meeting my Husband was random AF and it was awkward because of our positions at the time of our meeting. I initially was not interested but after heeding the advice of my then mentor I decided to give him a shot. One thing led to another and I was pregnant again…like girl…WTF is wrong with you?!?! His actions were different and I began to fall in love. Come to find out not too long ago…the actions I interpreted that for me built the foundation of us were not at all what it was from his perspective lens. This news devastated me as I questioned what the f we were doing and whether we should move forward or part ways. Yet as I’ve had time to marinate on his truth I’ve found solace. Our relationship and marriage has never been picture perfect, traditional, or what dreams are made of but when I was able to get past all the stories and see us and what we’ve built…I became humbled, grateful, and proud.
My Husand is a truly amazing and patient man. He has been my rock, my provider, my support, my guide, my truth teller, my mirror, my teacher, my friend, my lover, and has become my person. I have grown sOoO much through our relationship and I truly believe his influence has made me a better woman. My goal and intention in our marriage is to give to him all he has given to me! I want to be his rock, his provider, his support, his guide, his truth teller, his mirror, his teacher, his friend, his lover, and his person who brings him peace, who has his back, and who sows into him mind, body, and spirit.
motherhood…
I found out yesterday that I am not 10 weeks pregnant today, I am actually 6 weeks and 3 days. I started bleeding and cramping Sunday night and yesterday afternoon after experiencing more blood I called the Dr.’s office. They scheduled an ultrasound for me and found an itty bitty growing embryo in my womb but the measurements were not that of 10-weeks and the baby’s heartbeat was irregular meaning it was slower than what they’d like to see.
After review I went in today for my RhoGam shot which is something I’ve taken with all my pregnancies due to my rh- blood type but it had to be administered early as a result of the bleeding. They also scheduled another ultrasound for next Wednesday to check in on the baby. I am still bleeding and cramping and was super scared as I feared losing my baby but after talking to my Hubby, my Mom, and the nurse during my intake appointment I am working on releasing the fear and standing in faith and trust that my baby is healthy and healed and that I will carry this baby full-term.
I am sOoO grateful for my little ones as they have been sOoO supportive and caring as I’ve been a bit off the week. I know I am not a perfect Mother but I feel I have done well with my littles. They do work every nerve and I do get impatient, frustrated, and irritable but I am doing my best. I am working on me for me but for them too because when I can show up wholly and fully as my best self, it creates a ripple effect. My kids are legit little sponges and they soak up and absorb my best and worst pieces and parts and as little people they don’t understand it all. So I want to be on my A game but admittedly fall short and I’m learning to use that as motivation to keep getting up and keep moving forward to be the best Mommy I can be to and for them.
Whew…if you’ve made it to the end thank you for sticking with me as I know this has been a LONG one.
I appreciate your time, enjoy the gift of today, until next Tuesday…
Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Two
ME…
I excused my way out of coming here time and time again throughout the day. I kept telling myself, “oh I can do it later” and now later has come and had I not of committed to coming here weekly…I smooth would have said f it and kept it moving this evening.
I’ve had quite a few awarenesses lately and part of me is overwhelmed in seeing these pieces and parts of me. Not overwhelmed because I’m seeing them for the first time but overwhelmed because I’ve seen them MANY times and they carry with them A LOT of resistance. It’s like I know it would serve me to move differently but I get stuck when it comes time to move differently or I talk myself out of moving differently…
Not going to dwell here as I know where dwelling in stuck points leads me and today I chose with intention not to go there…
Marriage…
I am sOoO in love with my Hubby right now…my goodness!?!? We’re in a good space and vibing sOoO beautifully. I want these blissful moments to last forever but I know they don’t so instead of trying to stretch them out…I just want to allow myself to be as present as possible in the unfolding and allow what will be to be when that time comes. I have a tendency of planning for the worse like it buffers the blow but it never does. I just feel icky and miserable while planning for the worse and then a whole cluster f when the blow does hit because the blow never hits as plan and oftentimes the blow I’m preparing myself for isn’t even the blow that comes. Recently I started planning for joy, bliss, happiness, connection, and fun when it comes to envisioning a moment outside of the present when it comes to my Hubby & I. I know the ebb and flow of relationship will happen but I choose to put my time, energy, and attention into what could go right, what adventures we could have, what magical moments could transpire. I want to protect what we have, I want to cover what we have, I want to sow into what we have, I want to honor what we’ve built, and I want to believe in forever with him by my side.
motherhood…
One of the reasons I considered bypassing composing this blog this evening is because it’s currently 10:40pm and I have to be up at 4 in the AM to get my Gum*Gum Drop ready for his trip. I am sOoO excited for him!! He’s going on a trip out of state with a local program he’s part of and it’s a really big deal for him!! I am filled with sOoO much joy that he gets this experience…I feel like trips like these are what memories are made of. And what makes it super duper special is it’s just him. He’s one of six kids between me and my ex-Husband and that comes with A LOT of sharing and almost always having a sibling around. But this trip is something that is just his that he gets to have and be part of and experience as an individual:)
Okay…I know I’m keeping it short and sweet but I while I honor my commitment to this blog I also want to honor taking care of me and with yoga as the last thing I do before bed it’s time to wrap this up so I can yoga and jump in the bed.
Thank you for your time in reading this!
Enjoy the gift of today…until next week!
Me, Marriage & motherhood: week one
ME:
Feeling a bit down today. I’ve contemplated and even attempted a few blogs in the past but have allowed both uncertainty and doubt to take over and either backed down or backed away…
Ever since leaving the 9-5 world in 2021, I’ve been searching for my purpose and for direction. I didn’t fully realize the depth to which I was connected to my career until it was taken away from me. I thought about the “taken away” but that’s often how I feel. Like the life I built was taken from me. I worked sOoOoOoOoO hard to build it and literally invested everything I had into it…and then in a flash…it was gone. I am in place where I am learning to take accountability for the part I played in the undoing/unraveling…crumbling of what I built but it doesn’t take the pain away or the feeling of WTF do I do now?!?!
I pushed myself, I lost myself, and I ignored my body and the signs it repeatedly gave me to slow down, pause, and take care of it. I was all about the grind culture and the doing of the absolute most…but it seemed to pay off. I collected titles, roles, and accolades and it felt good…egoically…I felt like I was SOMEBODY after feeling like a NOBODY for yyyyeeeeaaarrrrrssss.
And yet I miss it. I miss the world that broke me. I miss the rush, I miss the hustle and bustle, I miss being too busy to __________ (fill in the blank). I miss others looking up to me…I miss feeling important…I miss feeling like I mattered.
As I reflect on what I just typed…I am filled with mixed emotions because I see my vanity, I again see my ego, and I see the pieces & parts of me that are still healing…still grieving.
Today I understand the framework of both/and living. Because although I am sad, I do feel lost, and I am having a low vibe day…I am also grateful for my life today. Today I can feel and that’s something I was disconnected from for a really long time. Today I have a priceless relationship with my Mom that we’ve spent the last few years intentionally cultivating together. Today I am building a relationship with DUGS (Divine-Universe-God-Source). Today I have everything I need. Today I feel gratitude in my soul…even when life isn’t lifing exactly like I want it to. Today I have practices that support me like meditation and yoga. Today I am building a relationship with my body and I love my body and I love me and I love and am grateful for the gift of life.
MARRIAGE:
Growing up as a child with divorced parents I told myself I would never get divorced, I didn’t believe in it. Ending my first marriage was both devasting and liberating. It was me choosing me and to no longer stay in an unhealthy/toxic relationship. When my ex-husband and I divorced it was sOoO easy to blame him for all he did…but with time I saw me and the part I played in the unhealthiness and toxicity.
It wasn’t until my new marriage that I saw how many issues I had/have with men. It wasn’t until my Husband started sharing his feelings with me and how I can show up at times, that I began seeing my unhealthy roots around/with men.
Last April I self*published a book of poetry entitled, “Bloom inWord: A Poetic Journey of Finding Purpose in Pain”. And Section One of my book is entitled, Daddy Issues. I’m learning how to heal and how to let go of my past experiences so I can relearn how to share sacred space with the men and boys in my life.
My Husband is one of my greatest teachers. He triggers me, he stretches me, he challenges me, and he often has a mirror in hand to show me…me. It’s hard work navigating marriage…especially when I am raw and wounded. But time and time again he offers me grace.
Sometimes when I am tired of looking at me and working on me or am off…I point at him and laser in on his flaws and what’s he not doing or could be doing better or should be doing. It’s easier to make him wrong then face me sometimes. I know it’s not fair…but it’s real.
My Husband gave me an invaluable gift during our marriage, and that’s the room and space to find my divine femininity. I became accustomed to functioning in my masculine energy and I didn’t see the wedge it was creating between us. But in August 2022, when I experienced my second week long stint of catatonic episodes…he held me, he nurtured me, he pushed me, he comforted me, and he supported me.
He inspires me to do and be better. He inspires me to learn how to treat him like the King he is. He inspires me to want to make our home a sanctuary of peace. Idk how to do all of this yet…but I am working on it, doing my best, and taking it step by step.
MOTHERHOOD:
What led me to starting this blog today is the fact that it marks the 8th week since my last period. I am currently pregnant with my 5th child and it is totally surreal…
I was adamant that I would NOT have another child and yet last November my baby came to me and told me he was ready. I was blown away and part of me thought I was trippin…but a bigger part of me knew what was happening was real. I decided to get off the pill and start the journey of trying to make a baby. My Hubby and I didn’t go out of our way to create this little one growing in my tummy and I definitely wasn’t expecting the news when it came as we were in a pretty low low when I took the test.
I honestly contemplated and even made an appointment to pill-away the baby. After my experience with my 3rd child I was scared of doing pregnancy alone again. Idk honestly how I survived that time in my life…it was super duper dark. It can only be DUGS because man…smh…I don’t wish that experience on anyone!! It nearly broke me and again can only be because of the most high that I made it through. I told myself I would NEVER abort a baby but my experience with nevers has shown me to never say never…
It’s currently 5:30 and time to start dinner. I closed down my laptop and was about to head downstairs but realized that if I didn’t publish this blog now…it would more than likely be another something I started but didn’t finish. So I’m going to publish and share this now because again if I don’t…I may not.
My plan is to come here every Tuesday and write about me, marriage, and motherhood…
Idk where it’s going to go…but I am going to commit to showing up weekly at least until my little baby makes his/or her debut…even though I do think he is a he.
If there’s somewhere here at the end of this blog, thank you for your time in reading this and sharing this space with me.
Enjoy the gift of today…until next Tuesday:)