Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Twelve

Me…

Whew…where do I begin?!?!

I realized I’ve really been in my head…like really been all up and through there and it has led me to share more space with my not*self self. I have been itchy, agitated, irritable, annoyed, temperamental, pop*off ready, and my fuse is getting shorter and shorter. I don’t reside in this space but when I get triggered I go there more often than to my pause…

With this realization has come reflection and with reflection has come frustration as I search for solutions to stop and information to understand intellectually and for me these two automatic responses again lead me further into my not*self self. My change doesn’t come from these sources despite them being my go*tos…change for me happens organically as I surrender, release, and let go but that’s hard to remember when I’m caught in trying, doing, and attempting to fix me which is where I’ve been.

To be honest…I am sOoO grateful for all that I have and I humbly have quite A LOT. But I struggle because I don’t have the money I desire and I don’t have a consistent/reliable source that provides me with money. Today what I have quite A LOT of is invisible…I have love, I have family, I have peace, I have a connection with my breath, I have the ability to feel, I have joy, I have community, and sOoO much more:) BUT…I want the money and I want my business to be the source of the money and I feel like this too is where I’m blocking myself. Because I’m sOoO focused on what I want and how I want it..part of my realization has been that I’ve blocked myself from infinite possibilities. I’m not grounding myself in the fact that I do have money…it just comes from my Husband and sporadically through my business AND that every single need of mine is and has been met…it’s just not being met again the way I want it to be met and how I want it to be met. UMMM…HOLD UP…WAIT A MINUTE!?!? WOW…WOW…WOW…I just read this paragraph back and saw one of my errors…I wrote on and with purpose that I didn’t have a consistent/reliable source that provides me with money yet I speak/listen to a daily affirmation that says, “Source is my source and Source blesses me in unexpected ways daily”…but I have a belief that says source does not provide nor do they bless me in unexpected ways daily…yet when I look back at the unfolding of my days…I see how Source is showing up and showing out daily!?!? Which takes me back to how I am blocking myself with expectations of what I want, how I want it, and the way I want it presented and this expectation is cutting me off. Umh…this is rich.

#grateful for this space and for this depth of awareness

marriage…

This has been an interesting week in marriage. I’ve had an opportunity to witness behaviors of co*dependency as I’ve been spinning mentally. While listening to Gene Key 62 earlier today, I also had an opportunity to see that I’ve been functioning from my shadow with him obsessing over details that create distance between us as I clearly see what he’s doing to me while trying to ignore the fact that he’s doing nothing to me…I’m the one doing all this to myself. Because honestly whatever he does do or doesn’t do is about him and he’ll have to navigate the harvest of what he’s planting with the seeds he’s sowing just as all I do and don’t do is really all about me and I too will have to navigate the harvest of what I’m planting. But to obsess over him doesn’t serve me or the health of our marriage. But again…it’s hard to see this from a clear perspective lens when I’m caught and tied up in my not*self self.

Motherhood…

Motherhood is no joke?!?! Being a Mommy to 4 littles…especially 4 littles that came from and have tendencies of mine is hard AF when I’m functioning from my not*self self…HARD AF!! But today I’m here for it. Like I know it’s hard and that I make it harder when I’m not holistically caring for myself and/or am lost in my head…but I’m wholly and fully here for it and they are sOoO worth it…even my Poohda Bear who is navigating his own life’s path that is definitely a path less traveled?!?! My kids remind me of me in my childhood and I sometimes remind me of my parents growing up and that’s a hard space to be in but I know there’s value there and instead of beating myself up for not being able to stay there long…today in this moment I instead choose to commend myself for my willingness and openness to be there for small/brief moments in time and a desire to be there longer! I get to be the change I desire to see but I also get to acknowledge my wounds, where I’m at in my healing, and my capacity in the here and now.

WOW…this blog has created a shift in my energy…I’m literally smiling as I witness the expansion in my being:) #whatagift

I am sOoO grateful for this space!!

Thank you for your time. You could have spent the last however long it took you to read this doing ANYTHING else you wanted you to do…and yet you choose to spend it here with me and my blog. That means sOoO much!!

Before the clock hits midnight, it is my hope that you take a moment to pause and enjoy the gift of life, the gift of your breath, and the gift of today!

Until next Tuesday…