Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Nine

Me…

Life gets to be enjoyed.

I was thinking earlier about the power of thoughts combined with energy. I’ve spent most of my life thinking super low vibrational thoughts, living predominately from a lens of victim consciousness, striving for something more…something else while also fighting reality and being super duper frustrated by the unfolding of my reality day after day. Yet something began to shift for me this year. I think the big boom was when I had my miscarriage in August. It’s like it did something to me…in me.

I began my intentional process of change/journey of transformation in 2007. Yeah 2007…17 years ago?!?! But today…something is different about life. Today I know there is power in thoughts combined with energy. And it’s not just a mental knowing, it’s an internal knowing…an internal understanding.

I don’t get it right all the time and when I move from a space of “getting it right” today, I know that I already got it wrong…not because it’s “wrong” but because my intention is out of alignment. In the grand scheme of life there is no such thing as good and bad or right and wrong. There are choices that lead to destinations and no destination is good or bad or right or wrong. Each destination has something to offer, a lesson to be learned, and an experience to be had.

Today I know that life is a collection of experiences and that the different stories, thoughts, and mental narratives I create around those experiences create my ability to be with or fight against the unfolding of each experience yet nonetheless, each experience is connected to the next and each experience happens for me not to me.

Marriage…

I had a realization today that I feared my Hubby leaving me. Like a legit fear that I am open, ready, and willing to admit dictates how I move. I know this fear is connected to and with my fear of abandonment. It sucks being left, it sucks feeling like you’re not worth fighting for, it sucks thinking your ‘youness’ drove another to no longer desire to share space with you. I have allowed these feelings of “suckiness” (idk if that’s a word…but it is for the purpose of this blog post) to create a story that comes with a narrative that speaks to me when I’m presented with choices. My choices are filtered through “his estimated response(s)” that I’ve developed through my past life experiences combined with my ever-evolving/working analysis of him. So when he responds in a way that is unexpected it throws me completely off my square and takes me into the inner recesses of my mind as I recalibrate that ever-evolving/working analysis of him.

I think about my Generator energy and see it working in my marriage/relationship with my Hubby but not in a present sense but moreso in an anxiety driven manner. Doing this or that in hopes he won’t this or that or will this or that. Realizing as I type that that’s basically how I live life. It’s not personal with my Hubby…the way in which I do it is personal to him because of his title and the role he plays in my life but I do this in all areas of my life. I am intentional AF in some regards but I also see that sometimes my AFness is rooted in people pleasing and fear of being left or replaced by another. Wow…this is deep. I love how much awareness rises to the surface from a space of writing…

I love my Hubby deeply and dearly but I also recognize how much of a teacher he has been within our shared space. He doesn’t teach me in a traditional/educational framework but he teaches me about me through allowing me to see me through his response to my actions and wordplay. Like I didn’t realize how deep my trauma with men went. I didn’t realize how much I disliked men. I didn’t realize how disrespectful I was to men. I didn’t realize that my dysfunctional relationship with men was impacting my relationships with my sons. I didn’t realize the magnitude of my defense mechanisms that stemmed from my distrust of men. I realized all this over the last 6 years and 9ish months with Gerard because he taught me how to see me in ways I’ve never seen.

Motherhood…

I had a realization this afternoon that I am in deconditioning around parenting and motherhood. Going back to my Generator energy being used in an anxiety driven manner…OMGoodness it's in overdrive when it comes to motherhood?!?! But unlike in marriage when I get hyper-fixated on my Hubby when I’m in anxiety mode…in motherhood I get hyper-fixated on others. My thoughts are often consumed with patient/peaceful/healed/gentle-parenting IG mamas, educators, doctors, professionals, service providers, the culture’s view from the lens of black parenting, the super opinionated perspectives on social from individuals who don’t even have kids of their own but had traumatic childhoods, and therapists thoughts and opinions on the matter at hand because just like I have my marriage filter, I too have one for motherhood. And it’s interesting because these same sources are similar to the sources that create my other marriage filter. However back to the kiddos, I am grateful for the awareness that deconditioning is what I’m doing because for the last couple/few weeks I’ve been like…ummm…what is going on?!?! It’s a journey I think I’ve been on but it’s just starting to get harder and harder to continue as is which is what led me here.

Idk what the deconditionig process looks like but as I type I see it as a holistic deconditiong process that I’m entering. It’s not just motherhood…it’s also marriage and me too!

Hmm…maybe that’s what the blog will be about?!?! My journey deconditioning me, marriage, and motherhood and cultivating me, marriage, and motherhood from a space of intention and to be of the highest and best for all.

We shall see…

Until next Tuesday:)

Enjoy the gift of today!