Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week 13
ME…
Today is again Wednesday as I type this blog post. I thought about writing yesterday but it did not surface through flow…
Yesterday like today I organically fell into a sweet spot; a space of holistic tranquility.
However, also like yesterday…I was abruptly removed from this space just as quickly as I fell into it.
As I type I am aware that I am resting in my shadow energy as I am in my head space. I went downstairs to get laundry from the dryer and saw something that took me from my solace…from my tranquility. The “sight” immediately took me to my head space and I created a story. Once I had the story my mind took off thoughting and I internally shifted from a space and place of peace to turmoil. My mind and body are now playing catch with the story…
I want to fix it, I want to make it go away, I want to go back to that space of holistic tranquility…
And as I type I see me. I see my need to control because for me safety equals control. If I can control things, I’ll be safe. But I see now that that “safe” is an egoic-laced safety net…it is what my mind has deemed safe because I’ve done it before and survived.
Hmmm…I surrender! That’s it! I surrender my story. I surrender my feels. I surrender the need to control to make it better/make it go away/make it what I want. I surrender the fear. I surrender the need to figure it out and make it make sense. I surrender the walls that rise in defense when I become triggered. I surrender!
Marriage…
In last week’s blog, I shared about the angst I was feeling about a conversation that was to be had between my Hubby & I. And boy oh boy…what a conversation it was, what an experience I had, and what a revelation has been made today.
As a Generator, my strategy is to respond. And I realize in hindsight, that I responded to thoughts in my head when I proposed this conversation not to the external stimuli that prompted the thoughts. With an undefined head and ajna, both my studies in Human Design and lived experience have shown me how susceptible I am to the thoughts, opinions, and beliefs of others. When I am not mindful, I can take on the thoughts, opinions, and beliefs of others as if they were mine and that’s exactly what I did. I took something someone else said that mirrored a similar experience with my Husband & I and I took action out of alignment with my divine design.
This conversation turned out to be a gift in the end despite the emotional rollercoaster it took us on. It led to further conversations from an aligned space and allowed me to address something I’d been harboring and holding on to. It was also a gift because it provided room and space for me to step outside of myself and witness my Husband.
I don’t have to agree with him, I don’t have to like what he is or is not doing, I don’t have to think like him…but I get to witness him. Through witnessing, I cultivate room and space to understand him, love him in his wholeness, and honor him through compromise.
Motherhood…
Yesterday I picked my 3 youngest up from school early so we could go to Battle Creek to see my oldest play. Sitting there in the stands dialoguing with my babies about their brother and his school and the basketball game as a whole was a real*life gift. Like that was a moment for us, a memory the 4 of us will forever share.
This morning while reflecting on this memory, I reframed being of service. I always connected being of service to work or as a community offering but it dawned on me that I get to be of service to my children. I offer my services to my babies daily in some way but I just didn’t see it like that. I often saw it as “just being a Mom” but that’s the beauty of the reframe, I get to be of service and I am of service when I Mommy.
I am sOoO imperfect and yet my Princess shared with me a couple of weeks ago that that’s what she likes most about me being her Mom…my ability to own my imperfection. Like many areas of my life, I can get sOoO caught up in my head space, in trying to do it right, in trying to be everything I “think” I’m supposed to be to everyone…that I miss what I am doing right and my enoughness. I will never be able to give my kids the perfect life or be the perfect Mom but I can give my kids the tools to live their best life and be me.
Thank you for your time in reading this blog, I appreciate it and you:)
Until next week…enjoy the gift of today!
