Navigator: Week One
I thought about blogging a couple/few different times yesterday, each time I told myself I’d do it later. Then last night as I was about to close my eyes and drift into my slumber, I realized I didn’t blog?!?! I instantly felt the wave of feels rush over me and then I closed my eyes and allowed myself to slip away into the dark.
A part of me wanted to stay awake and contemplate my failure, my inconsistency, my error, my dropping of the blog ball…but the bigger part of me said yeah naw…not tonight.
I am filled with immense gratitude for that part of me that allowed me to rest, that allowed me to move forward, that allowed me to walk past the rabbit hole of self-judgement, self-criticism, and self-abuse. Me…Erika Lynn…walked past the rabbit hole of self-imposed pain, torture, and suffering!
Now today, I sit here at my dining room table filled with angst as I marinate on a past due conversation that it’s time to have with my Husband. The angst comes from the knowing that this conversation will put me smack dab into the world of the unknown. The angst comes from the knowing that this conversation could potentially dismantle life as I know it to be. The angst comes from my discomfort of speaking my personal truth that I know is out of alignment with my actions and behaviors that cover, deny, and dissociate from how I really feel and allow me to pretend, go with, and do everything I can not to rock the “good enough life”…“I should” just be happy with.
My work over the last 17 years has shown me, me. It’s shown me my light and my dark. And a component of my darkness is moving forward with something when I know it’s off but because I fear not having it all…I accept what I get and try to force myself to be okay with it when deep down inside I’m not…even though I act like I am. I cannot begin to imagine the impact this shadow has on others and I am sincerely sorry for any and all harm I’ve caused from operating in this space. Today, I see this is a wound that was formed during childhood. Today, I see that although this wound was not formed by me…it is my responsibility to see it, hear it, love it, nurture it, and then heal it because this unhealed piece of me is harming others and today I am open, ready, and willing to surrender, release, and let go of this energy.
Fear, this pattern is rooted in fear. Fear of being abandoned, fear of not being enough, fear of being alone, fear that I will never be enough for anyone, fear of my uniqueness, fear of being different, fear of never belonging, fear of never being accepted as my authentic self, fear I am defective, and fear that I’ll always be a failure and never be able to get it right…
Grateful that I can see beyond fear in this moment. I get to be abandoned by those who are not of my highest and best and/or who have completed their assignment in my life. I may never be enough in the eyes of others and that gets to be okay. I am never and have never been alone. Again, I may never be enough in the eyes of another. My uniqueness is unique, I don’t see others who look and act like me and that too gets to be okay. I am different and that’s one of my superpowers…you ain’t never met anyone like me and will never meet another one like me. I will never belong if I spend my whole life pretending to be someone I am not. I get to accept me and that’s a whole m’n f’n gift! I am defective…because I know that I am both everything and nothing. And I will forever be a failure if and when I think in terms of failure or success.
When I’m in my innate power I know exactly who and what I am but when I get lost in my head or begin entertaining lower vibration/frequency thought patterns and behaviors…I lose access to my knowing. This awareness is a gift!
Until next week…
Enjoy the gift of today :)
