Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week three

Me…

Feeling a bit scattered and learning how to build relationship with this piece of me. It’s come to my attention/moreso my awareness that I’ve been searching all my life for the missing piece, the missing link, the missing something. And witnessing the depth of feeling scattered I see me and see my patterns. I wrote a poem years ago diving into this but see today that it’s still very much so engrained in my way of being. My work has shown me that the way through is not by bulldozing, condemning, making wrong, or shaming myself into change…it’s through allowing, honoring, seeing, witnessing, holding space, and a willingness to love what may seem/appear to be unlovable.

When I left the 9-5 world back in 2021 I felt like a part of me died. Like literally died…death…RIP. My work was my driving force, it was my life line, it was what propelled me out of bed at the start of the day and allowed me to rest easy in the night, it was my EVERYTHING, my fuel, my love, my passion, and what I honestly felt most connected to…

Over the last 3 years I’ve been trying to figure out how to rekindle the flame. I’ve gained sOoO much slowing down, building relationship with myself, learning to feel and discover home within, cultivating boundaries, stepping out of the shadows and into the light, redefining my relationship with Mary Jane, and deciphering what taking holistic care of me means and looks like in real life. In attempts to rekindle the flame I have returned to work but then left shortly thereafter, I have applied for a multitude of 9-5s that were soon followed-up either with an email pulling my interest or a denial/rejection email, and I have been a front-row passenger on the struggle bus as I’ve been fumbling around trying to start a business of my own.

I feel lost with an overload of guidance to just do it this way or that way, I feel uncertain about how to package my experience and use it to serve others, I feel immense resistance to having the nerve to charge others to help them along their transformative healing journey when it such a personal and sacred and tumultuous journey to be on, I feel unsure as to what my work actually is, I feel scared to dream and desire because who am I to have all that I desire when I’ve become accustomed to lack, the short end of the stick, and settling for just getting by as I am quite familiar with having nothing so something can easily be seen as a priceless gift.

Yet…everytime I stumble, everytime I fall, everytime I doubt, everytime I throw everything I’ve worked on away…I rise and I start over. I pause but I do not quit. I don’t know and just as I am building relationship with feeling scattered I too am willing today to build relationship with I don’t know…

marriage…

My Hubby and I were watching Ready to Love this evening and one of the participants was sent home because the men thought she needed to do more work on herself and heal some more before she was ready to love. This touched me deeply as I thought of the woman I was when my Husband and I met late fall of 2017 and the woman I am today. Another two participants were discussing non-negotiables and they shared their non-negotiable of drama when it comes to co-parenting and interacting with previous partners of the significant others. This too touched me deeply as I thought of all my Husband has been through when it comes to the two other fathers of my children.

When I first started dating my ex-husband I had two rules. 1) Don’t put your hands on me and 2) Don’t cheat on me. Those were my standards. When our marriage fell apart I began my spiritual awakening and the world as I knew it was flipped upside down and shaken up. I started learning about the spiritual world and energy and affirmations and I began changing in new ways. But then I met my 3rd child’s father and that brief relationship destroyed me. I was filled with guilt and shame and was broken in pieces while raising 3 children as a single mother. With time I began to rise and decided I would be single forever before I allowed another man into my life who was not qualified as “Him”.

Meeting my Husband was random AF and it was awkward because of our positions at the time of our meeting. I initially was not interested but after heeding the advice of my then mentor I decided to give him a shot. One thing led to another and I was pregnant again…like girl…WTF is wrong with you?!?! His actions were different and I began to fall in love. Come to find out not too long ago…the actions I interpreted that for me built the foundation of us were not at all what it was from his perspective lens. This news devastated me as I questioned what the f we were doing and whether we should move forward or part ways. Yet as I’ve had time to marinate on his truth I’ve found solace. Our relationship and marriage has never been picture perfect, traditional, or what dreams are made of but when I was able to get past all the stories and see us and what we’ve built…I became humbled, grateful, and proud.

My Husand is a truly amazing and patient man. He has been my rock, my provider, my support, my guide, my truth teller, my mirror, my teacher, my friend, my lover, and has become my person. I have grown sOoO much through our relationship and I truly believe his influence has made me a better woman. My goal and intention in our marriage is to give to him all he has given to me! I want to be his rock, his provider, his support, his guide, his truth teller, his mirror, his teacher, his friend, his lover, and his person who brings him peace, who has his back, and who sows into him mind, body, and spirit.

motherhood…

I found out yesterday that I am not 10 weeks pregnant today, I am actually 6 weeks and 3 days. I started bleeding and cramping Sunday night and yesterday afternoon after experiencing more blood I called the Dr.’s office. They scheduled an ultrasound for me and found an itty bitty growing embryo in my womb but the measurements were not that of 10-weeks and the baby’s heartbeat was irregular meaning it was slower than what they’d like to see.

After review I went in today for my RhoGam shot which is something I’ve taken with all my pregnancies due to my rh- blood type but it had to be administered early as a result of the bleeding. They also scheduled another ultrasound for next Wednesday to check in on the baby. I am still bleeding and cramping and was super scared as I feared losing my baby but after talking to my Hubby, my Mom, and the nurse during my intake appointment I am working on releasing the fear and standing in faith and trust that my baby is healthy and healed and that I will carry this baby full-term.

I am sOoO grateful for my little ones as they have been sOoO supportive and caring as I’ve been a bit off the week. I know I am not a perfect Mother but I feel I have done well with my littles. They do work every nerve and I do get impatient, frustrated, and irritable but I am doing my best. I am working on me for me but for them too because when I can show up wholly and fully as my best self, it creates a ripple effect. My kids are legit little sponges and they soak up and absorb my best and worst pieces and parts and as little people they don’t understand it all. So I want to be on my A game but admittedly fall short and I’m learning to use that as motivation to keep getting up and keep moving forward to be the best Mommy I can be to and for them.

Whew…if you’ve made it to the end thank you for sticking with me as I know this has been a LONG one.

I appreciate your time, enjoy the gift of today, until next Tuesday…