Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Seven
Me…
Week 7…WOW?!?! To reach week 7 with this blog is a milestone for me mainly because of the number of times I second guessed it and/or doubted whether I would make it to the laptop…let alone to Squarespace to compose it.
I have been heavily leaning into my design lately…like it’s wild how organically it happened. I studied and studied and studied and created report after report and listened to one audio after another…and today I see the embodiment of my design. I see what happens with practice. I see the aftermath of setting an intention. My design is everywhere around me. I had the realization that both Human Design and Gene Keys can’t be intellectuized…well hold on…it “can” be but it’s different when you holistically experience it…
Example:
I had an interview for an Assistant Community Manager position last Friday, it went really well and I was invited to a second interview on-site to meet the Community Manager to see if I fit into their culture. I had a post-surgery appointment today with Women’s Services to discuss next steps now that the miscarriage is officially over. In preparation for this appointment today I had a decision to make. What did I want…to go back to the 9-5 world or have a baby as I wasn’t willing to do both? I feel like I was given an opportunity to ask myself whether or not I have the capacity or willingness to go back to working a 9-5, conceive and carry a baby with intention, and maintain what I’ve cultivated in daily living. I automatically went to my head to decide and was torn. Honoring my emotional authority I decided to pause and feel into the options. Then as I was doing my ‘Morning Pages’ one morning, I saw myself writing about my excitement at the job opportunity and it HIT ME…I was excited because of the STORY I was telling myself about what the 9-5 would give me?!?! It was like a light bulb went off and I was given sight to see me from a new perspective lens. As I sat with this golden nugget, I realized I was still making decisions with my head even though I was feeling lit up because it was really the story that was lighting me up?!?!
This realization opened the door for more to be revealed. I took away the stories and began to feel. I took away the stories and began to hear my intuitive whisperings. I took away the stories and rode my emotional wave. And I came to the conclusion that I want to sow my time, energy, and attention into myself, my business, and my 5th child:)
Marriage…
Last Thursday I got to experience the power of stories with my Husband. Part of me questioned sharing this but I am a passionate proponent of “talking about it” so just like ‘Talk About It Thursday’ we’re going to talk about it in this space too. So my Hubby had a work event and I unknowingly set expectations about how the day would unfold. When the day did not unfold as I planned it to (loling and smh) the stories started storying hard core! My mood changed, I got attitudinal, I got short with the babies, I got a little antsy and fidgety, I lost connection with my breath, and all I could see and hear were the stories…they smooth debo’d my internal control system and I began to lose it.
Once I became aware of what happened the battle began as I was not willing to sit idly by and allow myself to be taken over. The battle got real real though because I didn’t know how to fight it, I didn’t know what to do to make it stop, I didn’t know how to get it to loosen up it’s hold that it had on me. I knew I didn’t know if any of the stories were true, I knew that I had the power to create a beautiful story instead of a horror story, and I knew that the story was impacting me mind, body, and spirit. Yet…I was losing. I began to simmer and then more time passed and the stories fired right back up. I was consciously aware of what I was doing and literally didn’t know how to make it stop or what to do to make it stop…I felt helpless even though it was me vs. me.
It was his energy when he got home that soothed me. It was how he handled me when he got home that soothed me. It was the realization that it was me that allowed me to be present with him and wholly and fully surrender the stories. The realization that the stories were me and not him…changed EVERYTHING for me. At the end of the day…idk what my Hubby does for real for real when he walks out those doors. But what I do know is me and I know my ways and I know the areas in my life that still need healing and TLC.
Motherhood…
An area of my life I still need healing and TLC. I see me and will not beat me up but I will acknowledge when an area in my life has room for improvement and this is one of them. I am more grateful than I’ve ever been to be a Mommy…grateful for the gift of life, grateful for the opportunity to be Mommy to 4 littles, and grateful for the recognition that for me personally Motherhood comes with Mirror Work because my Dark Mother energy has been revealing herself to me and I heard her say it’s time to come out and play…
Thank you for your time if you’ve made it here to the end. And also thank you for your time if you shared even a moment of your time in reading a piece of this week’s blog.
Until next week…
Enjoy the gift of today!
