Me, Marriage & motherhood: week one
ME:
Feeling a bit down today. I’ve contemplated and even attempted a few blogs in the past but have allowed both uncertainty and doubt to take over and either backed down or backed away…
Ever since leaving the 9-5 world in 2021, I’ve been searching for my purpose and for direction. I didn’t fully realize the depth to which I was connected to my career until it was taken away from me. I thought about the “taken away” but that’s often how I feel. Like the life I built was taken from me. I worked sOoOoOoOoO hard to build it and literally invested everything I had into it…and then in a flash…it was gone. I am in place where I am learning to take accountability for the part I played in the undoing/unraveling…crumbling of what I built but it doesn’t take the pain away or the feeling of WTF do I do now?!?!
I pushed myself, I lost myself, and I ignored my body and the signs it repeatedly gave me to slow down, pause, and take care of it. I was all about the grind culture and the doing of the absolute most…but it seemed to pay off. I collected titles, roles, and accolades and it felt good…egoically…I felt like I was SOMEBODY after feeling like a NOBODY for yyyyeeeeaaarrrrrssss.
And yet I miss it. I miss the world that broke me. I miss the rush, I miss the hustle and bustle, I miss being too busy to __________ (fill in the blank). I miss others looking up to me…I miss feeling important…I miss feeling like I mattered.
As I reflect on what I just typed…I am filled with mixed emotions because I see my vanity, I again see my ego, and I see the pieces & parts of me that are still healing…still grieving.
Today I understand the framework of both/and living. Because although I am sad, I do feel lost, and I am having a low vibe day…I am also grateful for my life today. Today I can feel and that’s something I was disconnected from for a really long time. Today I have a priceless relationship with my Mom that we’ve spent the last few years intentionally cultivating together. Today I am building a relationship with DUGS (Divine-Universe-God-Source). Today I have everything I need. Today I feel gratitude in my soul…even when life isn’t lifing exactly like I want it to. Today I have practices that support me like meditation and yoga. Today I am building a relationship with my body and I love my body and I love me and I love and am grateful for the gift of life.
MARRIAGE:
Growing up as a child with divorced parents I told myself I would never get divorced, I didn’t believe in it. Ending my first marriage was both devasting and liberating. It was me choosing me and to no longer stay in an unhealthy/toxic relationship. When my ex-husband and I divorced it was sOoO easy to blame him for all he did…but with time I saw me and the part I played in the unhealthiness and toxicity.
It wasn’t until my new marriage that I saw how many issues I had/have with men. It wasn’t until my Husband started sharing his feelings with me and how I can show up at times, that I began seeing my unhealthy roots around/with men.
Last April I self*published a book of poetry entitled, “Bloom inWord: A Poetic Journey of Finding Purpose in Pain”. And Section One of my book is entitled, Daddy Issues. I’m learning how to heal and how to let go of my past experiences so I can relearn how to share sacred space with the men and boys in my life.
My Husband is one of my greatest teachers. He triggers me, he stretches me, he challenges me, and he often has a mirror in hand to show me…me. It’s hard work navigating marriage…especially when I am raw and wounded. But time and time again he offers me grace.
Sometimes when I am tired of looking at me and working on me or am off…I point at him and laser in on his flaws and what’s he not doing or could be doing better or should be doing. It’s easier to make him wrong then face me sometimes. I know it’s not fair…but it’s real.
My Husband gave me an invaluable gift during our marriage, and that’s the room and space to find my divine femininity. I became accustomed to functioning in my masculine energy and I didn’t see the wedge it was creating between us. But in August 2022, when I experienced my second week long stint of catatonic episodes…he held me, he nurtured me, he pushed me, he comforted me, and he supported me.
He inspires me to do and be better. He inspires me to learn how to treat him like the King he is. He inspires me to want to make our home a sanctuary of peace. Idk how to do all of this yet…but I am working on it, doing my best, and taking it step by step.
MOTHERHOOD:
What led me to starting this blog today is the fact that it marks the 8th week since my last period. I am currently pregnant with my 5th child and it is totally surreal…
I was adamant that I would NOT have another child and yet last November my baby came to me and told me he was ready. I was blown away and part of me thought I was trippin…but a bigger part of me knew what was happening was real. I decided to get off the pill and start the journey of trying to make a baby. My Hubby and I didn’t go out of our way to create this little one growing in my tummy and I definitely wasn’t expecting the news when it came as we were in a pretty low low when I took the test.
I honestly contemplated and even made an appointment to pill-away the baby. After my experience with my 3rd child I was scared of doing pregnancy alone again. Idk honestly how I survived that time in my life…it was super duper dark. It can only be DUGS because man…smh…I don’t wish that experience on anyone!! It nearly broke me and again can only be because of the most high that I made it through. I told myself I would NEVER abort a baby but my experience with nevers has shown me to never say never…
It’s currently 5:30 and time to start dinner. I closed down my laptop and was about to head downstairs but realized that if I didn’t publish this blog now…it would more than likely be another something I started but didn’t finish. So I’m going to publish and share this now because again if I don’t…I may not.
My plan is to come here every Tuesday and write about me, marriage, and motherhood…
Idk where it’s going to go…but I am going to commit to showing up weekly at least until my little baby makes his/or her debut…even though I do think he is a he.
If there’s somewhere here at the end of this blog, thank you for your time in reading this and sharing this space with me.
Enjoy the gift of today…until next Tuesday:)
