Me, Marriage & Motherhood: Week Four

Me…

I am currently sharing space with my business, digging into my signature offering. I am currently sharing space with my Gene Keys, leaning into my healing. I am currently in this moment filled with gratitude as I type in my dining room, sitting at my beautiful dining room table, typing on my most treasured electronic…my laptop…part of me is regretting saying that about my laptop out of fear of some now pending F&F…but I’m going to practice being present in the moment and being grateful in the here and now for the experience of having my laptop. Anyway…sitting here typing..listeningto my, “A Vibe” playlist on Spotify that’s a blend of violin covers and smooth jazz.

I had the opportunity to share space with my therapist yesterday! I haven’t had a session in months as a result of accruing a back balance due to a mishap with my insurance and then not having insurance. But with the unfolding of the here and now, I was willing to invest in seeing her out of pocket in order to do what I knew I needed to do to take care of me. I am sOoO glad I did because the space she holds for me is truly transformative, healing, and safe and what she gives me is invaluable. I shared with her that today it wasn’t my life that was on the line…it was my well*being because today I love my life, I love myself, and when I felt “off” I knew I needed more than my daily practices. And today I am honored to know me like I know me and be willing to take care of me…for my well*being to be at stake and for me to organically move the way I did…was like a gift to witness and be part of.

Marriage…

I am sOoO grateful for my Hubby. My 7-year old said she’s going to start calling us the LoveBirds. My heart felt warm as I allowed myself to fully be in that moment and to share the depth of connection that I do right now to and with my Husband and for my daughter to witness it.

I feel alive in my marriage, I am sOoO grateful to share the unfolding of life with my Hubby, I am beginning to feel holistically safe with my Husband and that is foreign, frightening, and exciting. I am cultivating space for marriage to be and mean something it never has before. As we head towards 7 years of being in relationship I know that a shift is upon us and I know that I have a part in that shift and today I want to show up wholly and fully in this space of Queen to my King.

What does it mean to be a Queen to a King? I am learning, I am studying, I am healing, and I am already beginning to shift my behaviors and show up more and more in different ways. I am imperfect but doing my best…

MOtherhood…

I lost my baby last Wenesday afternoon and ended up going to the ER and after a handful of hours I was sent home after receiving medicine to help me release the rest of what was left in my womb. I am grateful for the care I received from the hospital staff behind the front desk. It was such an emotional experience and I had to literally repeat that I was there as a result of thinking I had a miscarriage 3 times before being seen by a medical staff. And I couldn’t whisper it because the front desk staff are behind plastic with a big ol intercom on the desk and a little sign that reminds you to speak loud enough for them to hear you?!?! I’m not mad or upset with the staff because of the policy but I am upset about the policy because it’s very triggering and not something that’s easy to talk about. At the front desk, the first two staff were very robotic acting, they didn’t flinch when I said what I said. The third lady was different and visibly moved when she processed why I was there and she showed grace for my slick and impatient wordplay stemming from my frustration. She honored her role to be professional while also navigating my heartbeat and my emotions. I am grateful for the care in her eyes…I am super duper grateful for the way the Dr. handled me! She was kind, she was to the point, she met me heartbeattoheartbeat, and she respected my wishes.

This has been an emotional week navigating all the feels of the loss on top of it being the week before school started while navigating some of Pooh’s behaviors. Gerard and I told the kids Thursday morning that I’d lost that baby and was no longer pregnant. My Gum*Gum drop took it the hardest which made sense as he’s my sensitive one. The others kids took it well, one of the girls said they were happy about it and I was able to view it from a both/and framework through her little person perspective lens.

I was listening to my Gene Keys this afternoon while out running errands and in the 42nd Gene Key which is about letting go of living and dying…it talked about finding celebration in death. I asked myself again while driving if I was willing to see/find/share space with celebration for this loss and at this time I don’t see celebration but I am willing to believe everything happens for a reason, that my baby’s assignment was complete, and that life is always happening for me…not to me.

Speaking of my littles, yesterday was the first day back to school for everyone. They all had a really nice first day back and were excited about their new teachers. I haven’t talked to Pooh to see how his first day was I saw him briefly at practice yesterday but only to give him his football cleats. I will have an opportunity to get an update on his first week when he comes back home on Sunday.

Ending this week’s blog here. Thank you for your time and for your willingness to share space as I talk about the unfolding of life in real time, my marriage, and my journey of motherhood.

Enjoy the gift of today!

Until next Tuesday…