Rise, Shine & Thrive ~ Week 4

I experienced a breakdown yesterday. I cried, I screamed, I yelled, I cursed…like full whole curse words, and I punched and I hit. I unraveled in and outside of Midnight. I broke…again.

This all happened while in the parking lot of a local middle school as I awaited the police to come get my son and bring him back to me. His Dad was able to get him and walked him back to me…to us so I was able to call the police back and say oh nevermind…got him…again.

I’m tired.

I’m frustrated.

I’m over it.

But he is my son and so I continue to rise…

I try to find the light, I try to be optimistic, I try to reframe, I try to hold space, I try to get over it…but what yesterday taught me is that I’m tired of pretending to be okay.

In the grand scheme of life, I know all is well and that this is somehow happening for me, for us. But in the meantime and in between time, I get to ride this wave of emotions and feelings and not be okay. I get to be pissed off at these broken systems. I get to be angry. I get to say shut the f&^$ up and stop asking me stupid questions about what we’re doing and what we’ve done. It is I who has been navigating systems off and on for the last 10 years, sitting in hospital rooms, scheduling appointments, taking him to therapist after therapist and doctor after doctor and service provider after service provider. It is I who was with him as we checked in to two different psychiatric hospitals both HOURS away. It is I who has been hit, called out my name, and been disrepected by the child I carried for 9.5 months and nursed for 1 year. So yeah shut the f&^$ up, keep your m’n f’n opinions and thoughts to your m’n f’n self, and if you want to be helpful…light a m’n f’n candle and hold some space.

This too shall pass I know…but right now it hasn’t passed and it’s getting heavy AF.

Part of me feels bad for not rubbing some love and light in this post but this is real life in real time.

And yes, I have enjoyed the gift of today. I am ebbing and flowing and feeling and being and doing my best. I am holding both/and.

I hope you too, enjoy the gift of today.

Until next week…