Navigating Love & Parenting: Week One
SoOo…this new title came to this morning while I was in the shower. Yesterday was a REALLY hard day…like REALLY hard…like the hardest I’ve had in a REALLY long time…I went to my journal yesterday evening around 5pm-ish and my session ended with my journal being thrown across the bedroom and me punching my Hubby & I’s headboard. I was sOoO consumed by the thoughts in my head and although I knew the solution was to get out of my head & into my body…I legit felt stuck…no trapped!?!?
I pulled a book off my bookshelf a couple days ago, I put it by my spot on the loveseat and I’ve been looking at it periodically. I told myself I was staying off social media today as for me personally it’s bad for my mental health…especially when I am aware that I am in a vulnerable space right now. So this morning while watching, “High Potential”…instead of popping on social media during the commercial breaks, I instead popped the book open!
The words terrified me as I read because they mirrored me. The book started with the Author sharing a story from his childhood with his Mother…and I thought of my interaction with my Princess this morning. The more I read the more I saw me but something different happened today. Yes…I did diagnose myself with Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is something I do periodically…diagnosis myself with something after resonating with more of the symptoms/characteristics than not. But the part I did differently was I talked myself off the ledge of jumping into the rabbit hole of narcissism when I realized someone truly diagnosed by a medical professional using the DSM-5 of NPD wouldn’t eagerly claim the label so although I may not be diagnosable, I do believe I am on the spectrum.
Now the labels are not the point of this blog…the point is I see me! I see that my trauma is still running the show…well moreso I see that my trauma has ALWAYS been running the show. And I see that I am not okay. Like in the grand scheme I know and believe not only am I okay but I am well…but in real life unfolding…no, I am not okay. I am a REALLY good pretender!! I am a REALLY good faker!! I am really good survivor!! And I know too much…like I know WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY too much because all that I know is preventing me from real*life healing because I get paralyzed by all that I know, I get stuck in all that I know, I get confused by all that I know, I become indecisive in all that I know, I become scared to make a choice in all that I know, I dissociate in all that I know, I become lost in my head trying to sort through and organize all that I know, and idk how to real life live in all that I know…
So I’m going to navigate love and parenting in a new way. I don’t need to learn anything new…no new healing modalities, no new systems, no new trainings, no new courses, no new information beyond my handy dandy book I opened today. My book is not to learn, my book is a light. My book is a tool. My book is a mirror. My book is a reminder of what can happen if I don’t embark on this new journey…
This journey begins with me admitting I am open, ready, and willing to do something different to get something different. My intention is to release, surrender, and let go of patterns, limiting beliefs, and behaviors that no longer serve my highest & best. My intention is to show up in love and parenting from a healthy, loving, balanced, and intentional AF space.
SoOo let the journey begin…
Until next week…enjoy the gift of today!
